Conversations about menopause are growing. Awareness is increasing. But for many partners, families, friends and colleagues, it can still feel confusing and difficult to know what to say or do.

In our recent Henpicked Lunch & Learn, we explored menopause through the lens of relationships and what really helps when someone you care about is going through perimenopause or menopause.

The session featured Deborah Garlick, Sally Leech, Joe Warner and Rob Kemp, authors of Burning Up, Frozen Out. Together they explored why the book was written, what men often misunderstand about menopause and how small, consistent acts of support can make a real difference.

Why write a book about menopause for men?

Deborah Garlick: We hear a lot that menopause affects half the population. But it doesn’t. It affects all of us. It affects half of us firsthand and the other half through relationships.

Joe and Rob, what made you write this book?

Joe Warner: We get asked this a lot, because people wonder what two middle-aged men are doing writing about menopause. But in many ways, that’s exactly why we felt the book was needed.

For me, it started when my partner had a routine pregnancy scan and a cyst was found on one of her ovaries. Everything turned out to be fine, but suddenly terms like medical menopause and crash menopause came onto my radar.

I realised I didn’t understand enough. I went away to research it and couldn’t find anything that really spoke to me as a male partner or ally. I wanted to understand what was happening and how I could help.

So I spoke to Rob. We wanted to create something practical. Not a clinical guide and not a book telling men how to “handle” menopause. More of a playbook around knowledge, communication and what is actually within your control.

Because a lot of male partners feel lost. They see someone they love struggling and they don’t know what to do. We wanted to help close that knowledge gap.

Rob Kemp: I wasn’t clued up on menopause at all. I wanted to help write the book I wish I’d been able to read when my wife was going through perimenopause.

There were things I wish I’d understood earlier: the impact on our relationship, the impact on work, the conversations with medical professionals and how best to respond.

One of the big messages is that you can’t “fix” your partner. It’s not about stepping in with instant solutions. It’s about communication, understanding and learning how to be the ally someone may need.

What do men most misunderstand about menopause?

Deborah Garlick: What do you think men most misunderstand about menopause?

Joe Warner: If I had to put it into one word, I’d say: everything.

I don’t mean that flippantly. A lot of men have good intentions, but poor execution. There’s often a big mismatch between what men think is helpful and what their partner actually needs.

Some men are scared of getting it wrong, so they do nothing. Others jump straight into solution mode. Some try to make light of it, but that can come across as dismissive.

What came through in our conversations was that many women didn’t want grand gestures. They wanted to be seen, heard and believed. They wanted to feel they weren’t going through it alone.

When men realise they don’t have to fix everything, you can almost see the pressure lift. It still takes effort, but it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present.

Why does age still surprise people?

Deborah Garlick: One of the biggest misunderstandings we’ve seen over the years is age. People often think menopause happens much later than it usually does.

Joe Warner: Absolutely. Before medical menopause was mentioned to me, I thought menopause happened to much older women.

I’d worked in health and fitness media for years, so I probably had more general health knowledge than the average man. But I still didn’t understand that perimenopause could start in the 40s, or earlier for some people.

That’s why preparation matters. We want the book to reach men who need it now, but ideally we also want younger men to understand this before their relationships are under strain.

This is also a workplace issue. Women in their 40s and 50s are often at a critical point in their careers. If partners, managers and colleagues don’t understand what’s happening, the impact can be huge.

Believe what you’re being told

Rob Kemp: One thing we say clearly is that men don’t need to know every single symptom. They don’t have to become experts overnight.

But they do need to believe what they’re being told.

If your partner says she is struggling, believe her. Don’t question it. Don’t joke about it. Don’t minimise it.

For many people, just being believed makes an enormous difference.

Why communication is at the heart of support

Joe Warner: The book is about menopause, but it’s really about communication and relationships.

Midlife can be a pressure cooker. There may be work pressure, caring responsibilities, children, ageing parents, financial worries and relationship strain. Then hormone changes come into the mix.

That’s why communication matters so much. The aim isn’t to have one perfect conversation. It’s to create more opportunities for honest, safe conversations over time.

It can help to talk side by side, rather than face to face across a table. Go for a walk. Let the conversation breathe.

Sometimes the real issue isn’t the first thing someone says. It might be the eighth, ninth or tenth thing that comes out once they feel safe enough to say it.

Should partners go to GP appointments?

Deborah Garlick: We had a question in the chat about whether you both went with your wives to GP appointments. My husband came with me and it was a mixed bag — helpful, but he also blurted out that I was a nightmare to live with.

Rob Kemp: I wish I’d gone, especially the second or third time my wife went. She was prescribed antidepressants, because the right questions weren’t being asked.

At the time, I wouldn’t have known to ask about menopause either. But now I can see how helpful it could have been to be there, listen and help ask questions.

Men can be useful in that space if they go in as detectives rather than debaters. Be curious. Ask what’s happening, what impact it’s having and what options there are.

Joe Warner: If your partner wants you there, it can help to prepare. Ask the surgery if there is a menopause specialist. Write down questions. Think about what outcome you want from the appointment, whether that’s talking about treatment options, a follow-up appointment or being referred on.

Too often, women feel rushed through the system. Being prepared can help.

Don’t go straight into fixing mode

Deborah Garlick: We see this in workplaces too. Someone says they’re struggling and the manager goes straight into fixing mode — “I’ll move your desk” or “I’ll sit you by a window” — when the person hasn’t even said they’re having hot flushes.

Joe Warner: Exactly. The first response should not always be a solution.

It can be helpful to ask: do you want me to listen, do you want comfort or do you want help finding a solution?

That gives the other person a chance to say what they need. Sometimes they just need to vent. Sometimes they need a hug. Sometimes they do want practical help.

The battery check-in

Joe Warner: One simple idea from the book is the battery check-in.

Ask your partner: “What’s your battery at today?”

If she says 20%, you know you need to find the other 80%. That might mean doing more around the house, taking something off her plate or creating a bit more space.

She hasn’t had to ask for help, explain everything or justify how she feels. You’re instantly on the same team.

That’s the point. Instead of going head-to-head, you’re holding hands.

What if men don’t seem interested?

Sally Leech: We had a few questions about how to educate men who don’t seem interested in learning more about menopause, or don’t seem to care.

Rob Kemp: Sometimes men don’t realise the stakes. Menopause is not just a “women’s thing”. It affects relationships, families, work and home life.

If someone doesn’t step up, the consequences can be serious. But it’s not about scaring people. It’s about helping them understand that they have a role to play.

Be curious. Ask questions. Listen. Find out more.

Joe Warner: I also think some men are scared. They’re scared of change, uncertainty or getting it wrong.

A little knowledge can go a long way. Men don’t need grand gestures. They need to do small things well and do them consistently.

We talk in the book about men looking after themselves too. Midlife can be hard for men as well. It’s not the same as menopause, but many men feel pressure, uncertainty or loss of direction.

You can’t support what you don’t understand and you can’t support well if you’re not supported yourself.

What if someone doesn’t want to talk about menopause?

Sally Leech: We had a question about how to help someone who has been told by their GP they’re going through perimenopause, but doesn’t want to accept it or talk about it.

Joe Warner: This is where men can sometimes double down and say, “You have to see there’s a problem.” But that can make things worse.

The best thing you can do is stay steady. Be there. Be curious. Don’t take it personally if the conversation doesn’t go well the first time.

You may need to show, repeatedly, that you’re not going anywhere. That you’re there when they’re ready.

It might happen in five-minute chunks. It might take time. But if you keep listening and keep being available, you create the conditions for a better conversation.

Why this is a hopeful conversation

Deborah Garlick: This is also about understanding that menopause is a transition over many years. It’s not just perimenopause. It’s about health, relationships and being able to live well for the long term.

Joe Warner: What surprised me most was how hopeful the conversations became.

We spoke to couples who had been through really difficult times, but many said they were stronger because of it. They had been forced to talk about what wasn’t working. They talked about sex, intimacy, feeling loved, feeling valued and what they needed from each other.

Those conversations can be hard, especially in long-term relationships. But if couples can learn, listen and stay curious, the relationship can become better.

People can come through this with a clearer sense of what matters, what they need and how to support each other.

Why this matters now

Deborah Garlick: Menopause affects all of us. It affects individuals, partners, families, workplaces and wider society.

This conversation showed how powerful it can be when support moves away from fixing and towards listening, believing and learning.

As always, thank you to everyone who joined us and shared so openly. These conversations matter because they help people feel less alone — and help those around them understand what really helps.