Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause (a poem)…

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Heated flushes
Itchy skin
Running to the loo.
Temper tantrums
Sleepless nights
Not bad, that’s just a few.

Oh sorry did you say there’s more
Beg pardon do go on.
I can’t help thinking that’s enough;
You surely must be done?

Palpitations
Aches and pains
Fluctuating weight.
Feeling anxious
Stiffening joints
Now let me get this straight.

I have to suffer all of this
Because I am a woman?
That’s surely just a horrid joke
‘Cos most of it’s not human!

Night time sweating
Weakened bones
Falling out with friends.
Low libido
Memory loss
How long until it ends??

The years may be as long as ten?
Or maybe only five?
But why do I deserve all this?
And how will I survive?

Nagging headaches
Always tired
Dryness down below.
Irritated
Murderous thoughts
Not sure I want to know!

Feeling dizzy
Painful boobs
Drying skin and hair.
Bloated tummy
Thinning nails
I’m starting to despair!

Don’t think I really want to change,
And truly not like this.
It’s good you came; but off you go
I’m giving it a miss.

Muscle tension
Burning tongue
Low and tetchy moods.
I’ve heard enough
It sounds like hell
So basically I’m screwed?!

If women have to cope with this
Then what about the men?
Now tell me all the things THEY get –
NOTHING?! – Say again!!

What’s that you say, there is one thing;
They do it to their grave.
They have to tend their facial hair –
THEY HAVE TO ******* SHAVE?!

About Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

On my 50th birthday I decided to tackle technology head on and start a humorous blog about midlife – having previously only used my laptop as a posh typewriter. This meant I also launched myself onto Twitter and Facebook. Let’s just say they were interesting times, and on several occasions the laptop nearly found itself launched through the window… Through my blog I started writing funny poems about midlife issues, and Henpicked have very kindly agreed to feature one of them: Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause… I’ve now written poems on many midlife topics including: a weak bladder, midlife hair, the midlife hangover, high heels, the afternoon nap, the faltering libido and knickers. As a frantic fan flapper, big knickers wearer, delusional dancer, gin and wine drinker, cocktail lover, reluctant gym go-er, teens & hubby tamer and a cantankerous cat owner I have great fun on my blog and my FB page. I’m currently in the middle of a limerick challenge on my FB page; my lovely followers are offering their names for a funny, often rude and definitely risqué limerick! I have been thanked frequently for making women laugh at a time when life can be far from funny. So why not join me? You can find me here: on my website or on Facebook.