The choices we make

As women – wives, mothers, daughters, partners, grandmothers – we all make choices…what choice did you make?

a rollercoaster against a blue skyOnly now, far away from the stress, anxiety and messy desk, do I feel able  even to start writing about this project, this great ambition, this crazy inspiration to join all us like-minded women, us much overlooked energetic caring kind coping wonderful women, women not born yesterday and yet unerringly looking forward to tomorrow.  Only now can I think on where it came from, this idea to publish and give women a voice.

So where did it all start and where will it end? It started I believe when, in tears on the London Paddington to Oxford at 2.39 pm passing through Reading, I called my husband and said I can’t do this anymore. A miscarriage loomed, my third trying  for this second child, and so, my meeting in Lincoln’s Inn thrown to the outreaches of memory, I was on my way home, knowing that with all my body and mind I did not want to do this anymore, this struggle to get to work without my porridge in my hair, the tearful adieu every morning to my 2 year old boy, and the rushing off from the office at 5 pm literally to get on my bike because I couldn’t be any later for him, my heart breaking to see him. I couldn’t do it anymore, this being exhausted and always rushing rushing doing nothing properly:  being an inadequate lawyer  and a second rate mother not there for her baby with his sticky eyes, his need for me, his crying for me, his ignoring me when I finally get there because I had been away so very, very long, a lifetime.

So that decision to fling it all away, my training, my profession and my status and, above all, I reflect now, my independence in the form of more income than I knew what to do with, that decision shaped the next 15 years and brought me to here. The right thing to say would be that I don’t regret that decision at all, after all it has allowed me to be me in so many ways- magistrate, part – time lawyer (for a while), mother (full on), mature student, charity volunteer, tennis player, garden lover etc. etc. and yet what it took away slowly, painfully, yet indisputably was my self – esteem,  my sense of self – worth, my ability to answer that question, ” And what do you do?” such that now no one bothers asking it, and even my 12-year-old has no idea and who can blame her – for her I just pack bags and pick stuff up off the floor and neither of them very well. Above all that decision, ironically perhaps, took away my opportunity to be free.

So now I am being free by networking more than I ever thought I could and being in touch with and relying on supportive women everywhere and creatively writing whatever I want to say and publishing what other women want to say and I am loving it…read my blog for quite how challenging a project this is!!

Carolyn Lazarus

About Carolyn Lazarus

This is the author biography the late, great Carolyn Lazarus (1960-2015), founder of totally4women wrote for herself. Her words are typically self-effacing and humorous... 'Well at 50 I looked 40 and at 54 I look 99...someone explain that to me if they would. In addition I am, allegedly, a woman with little or indeed no sense of chic. Shy by nature or nurture it is difficult to say but it is what I am at heart. When I was 14 my mum bought me, “The Shy Person's Book" ...if you are a shy person this can be a difficult title to deal with every morning when you pass by your bookshelf. I like to run, nothing funny to say about this, it's just what I like to do. So that's me in a nutshell. It remains to say that I love my husband (long - suffering), my children (totally bored) and my parents (concerned).'