Spring is well and truly in the air. The weather is hot and the online dating men are, well, not quite hotter as such, but they are heating up.
There has been action online! Not only has there been some frantic winking, but emails have also been written. My inbox is getting a damn good seeing to!
With some trepidation I have been opening the messages to see who, from the local care-in-the-community project, has written to me. Mostly it has been a mix of elderly gentlemen, young horny whippersnappers and pleasant middle-aged-middle-of-the-road chaps who say nice things and can actually be quite funny, but who I cannot imagine naked…well, I could. I could probably imagine just about anybody naked if I had to, but I wouldn’t necessarily feel well afterwards, let alone all aflame with red-hot desire.
In amongst my many admirers (haha, I’ve been waiting so long to be able to say that) I have found…drum roll…someone who has caught my eye…cheers and applause. Interesting-looking, attractive (not like Hot Guy – nobody could look like Hot Guy, Hot Guy is perfection in male form) but attractive with a little ‘something’.
I wondered what could be wrong with him. He would surely be less than five foot high or into thrash grunge punk metal or have weird piercings. I almost didn’t want to look at his profile. But I did. Of course I had to. I took a deep breath and clicked…
And there he was in all his glory, all six-and-a-half feet of him! Lord. I gulped at the thought, immediately imagined him naked, had a hot flush and had to have a lie down.
I wrote my response and dared to throw in a witty quip as he had warned me he had a cheeky sense of humour, so I felt I could get away with it. Send!What is a five foot (and a bit) woman to do with a giant man? Answers on a postcard please. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but one has to think of the practicalities. Why oh why do I find it so difficult to walk in heels? Why do I always feel like Lucy Ewing (Dallas circa 1980 AKA the Poison Dwarf) whenever I put on really high stilettos? And never mind if we made it into the bedroom – he of course would have to stoop to get in – what then?! Nevertheless, I have found myself inextricably drawn to Tall Man.
Animals in laboratories learn faster than me. Do. Not. Be. Funny. Better to be sweet and non-threatening, at least until you get onto a date, and then you can let rip. I couldn’t believe it. Another one galloping off into the sunset as fast as he can.
And just when I thought it was all over, that yet another had been repelled by my questionable charms, Tall Man winked at me. I was confused. He had written to me without shaking his tail feathers to gauge my interest, I had written back to him, he had not written back to me and now he was winking.
So I have winked back. I have nothing to lose. There is nothing to lose in this game of online love. Rejection becomes easier. It’s good training to feel fine about being rejected in real life. So…nothing to lose.
And, I have just opened my email. Tall Man has asked me out for a coffee. Oh. My. God. I have been asked out on date. But until I have that date I cannot assume anything. I cannot even assume that I even have a date. I could say something inappropriate leading up to the date and blow it. I’m giddy with the thought of a date, and giddier still at the thought of such a tall one.
I must write back to him. Do not be funny. Do. Not. Be. Funny. Be sweet, sweet and non-threatening…