As Valentine’s Day draws nearer, you may start dreaming, again, about finding love. If this applies to you, then here are some reflections that may support you in achieving your dream.
Some women tell me that they would like to find love. When they do I usually tell them that they’re not yet ready. That’s because at this point whoever they might attract is unlikely to be right for them. How can I possibly know that? I know it because they don’t yet know or like or trust themselves well enough to make the right choices for themselves.
So what’s missing? Here are some conclusions I have come to.
The only way to find the partner you long for is to be the partner you want them to be.
To have a happy relationship based on respect, you have to have a strong sense of self-respect first. You need to be happy already. Also, you need to know that nobody can make you happy. You’re the only one who can make yourself happy.
Beware of someone who looks to you to make them happy.
Be sure you’re aware of your beliefs around love. Do you really believe you deserve love? This may sound like a strange question but many years ago I accidentally discovered that I held the limiting belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved. The tragedy was that I had created my life and my relationships around that belief – and I hadn’t even realised it!
If you’re not sure whether you hold that limiting belief then check out your relationships, previous romantic partners as well as friendships, past and current. Are they fulfilling? Do you feel happy when you’re with them or do you feel resentful and frustrated? Obviously, this is too complex an issue to have a simple answer but a limiting belief will definitely be part of the mix.
When two people come together there are rarely just the two of you. When you meet somebody new, you bring with you the baggage from all your past relationships and so does the other person – all your insecurities, resentments and fears are lurking beneath the surface only to hit you over the head when you have a disagreement.
Know yourself first
The answer is to really get to know, like and trust yourself first; reflect on what you learned from your relationships – this is about you. What mistakes did you make? Where did you go wrong?
For a long time after I left my marriage I continued to blame Jim, my ex, for all kinds of things he said or did – or didn’t say or do. It took several years before I finally recognised that I had not been the ‘innocent bystander’ in my marriage I pretended I’d been. As painful as that insight was it also empowered me because I finally knew what I needed to do differently or stop doing next time.
Don’t look for your ‘better half’, someone to complete you. Walk into the relationship whole, happy with yourself and your life. There is a huge difference between needing someone in order to be happy and being happy already and wanting to share your life with them.